A Trip to Remember

For Heather and Shannon, every summer vacation started out with a road trip to their grandparents' farm outside Terre Haute, Indiana. It was bad enough leaving their friends and California behind, but the long and boring drive pent up in the back seat of a car with a dodgy air conditioner was driving them crazy.

If asked later, neither Heather nor her sister could remember who started the get-the-driver-to-honk game, but they both knew who ended it. As they frantically competed to get a vanload of college students to honk at them by waving their arms and blowing kisses, finally they got what they both wanted.

Mr. and Mrs. Connors noticed the lack of noise from the back seat moments before their attention turned to the green van honking its horn as it slowly passed them. A chubby college student with his pants pulled down was pressing his cheeks up against the window as his buddies cheered him on. Mrs. Connors harrumphed while her husband chuckled and nodded his head. The sound of contagious giggling came from the back seat.

It was the loveliest shade of pink they'd ever seen.

Piggy Oinker and the Space Ship

Captain Oinker grunted as she ran through her ship's pre-launch procedures. The scene her hull-cam showed her of the landing area was awash with locals frantically waving their arms to get her attention. She already cut their apologies short by turning off the audio feed. The computer prepped the darkmatter bomb for her as she set the target for the center of their planet. One trotter-shaped button press later and she could set course for the next planet on her list: Earth. Perhaps they haven't mistaken the ambassadors sent to them by the Porkucouncil as a food source like these primitives did. Perhaps she won't have to destroy their world...

Jacob's Bio

Abandoned at birth, I was raised by a family of wild garden gnomes in a far-off land. They fed me their horrible gnome-food, regurgitated from their hellishly vile bellies. It tasted like chicken cooked in diesel oil. As most children do, I rebelled and became a well-adjusted, contributing member of modern society. I can often be found practicing my Gnomish with random garden gnomes around town, at least until their owners file a restraining order. I also like to cook, but not with diesel. I have always wanted to write down my experiences, both in my head and in the real world, as a warning to others.